My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It was confusing and full of hummus
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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