I'm drive I can fine osifer
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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