Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
