he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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