Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Everything about him screamed your future.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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