I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
