he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize