I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm both gender and math confused
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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