I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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