I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
