Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
