In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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