the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize