when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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