He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
