I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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