She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
