omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
