I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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