I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You made out with two different species that night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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