Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You made out with two different species that night
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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