i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
