Dude my mom stole all your condoms
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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