I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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