Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i would punch a child for taco bell
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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