It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
