Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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