speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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