I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
