she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
