This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
