Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
