My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
