I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
