sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
