I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
