No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
