I hate your face
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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