yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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