Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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