just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
