FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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