Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
