Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
