How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
