i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So vagazzling was a success
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
