Nicole vs. Life
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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