non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
