is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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