hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
