my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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