new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
