Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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