And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
