oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
