Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
