I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
