I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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