You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
its liver damage thursday
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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