it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize