I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
