Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
