I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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