how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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