Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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